Cancel the World Cup

...because Germany is guaranteed to win, suggests a recent statistical study. It works like this: on average, Germany reaches at least the quarters and usually the semis of any World Cup. Add in the fact that hosts generally overperform by an average of 2.5 rounds, and you've got Germany winning the final and then one additional bonus game afterward.

Asked for comment, Italy affirmed the validity of the study. "You can't-a argue with-a the science," said the boot-shaped nation in adorable broken English, and brandished their 1990 World Cup champions' trophy to illustrate the point.